it's been a while...

it's been too long that i last poured out my thoughts in this piece of digital piece of parchment. and i admit, i have been too busy with a lot of things. in, fact, i have been too busy that i forgot about getting myself a life outside the four walls surrounding my office space. circumstances forbid me to write. or maybe, i just needed to focus on my job first before writing blogs. sounds the right thing to do right?

so now i have to blurt. fate has been kind enough to lend me a few minutes to type. and time told me that my birthday is near. wow, time flies so fast when you're too stressed at work, i mean, when your having fun. oops, sarcasm's there. sorry about that.

on a brighter note, i have five things to be happy about today:

1. it's the 13th of the month. and it's friday. no, i'm not talking about the scary connotation the phrase friday the 13th gives. rather, i'm talking about the day a working person like me is waiting for... payday. a rush of money through my atm. things that would somehow make my wallet thicker than its usual size.

 

2. salary bonus. disclaimer: the job i'm currently at is my first job. and i have been in this company for almost a year already. thus, it is my first time to get a salary incentive, aside from the usual 13th month pay and christmas bonus. there, one more reason celebrate the advantages of having a career.

 

3. gift certificates. well, it's one of the benefits i have in the company that i'm working for. and yes, it somehow helps me through the usual needs that spend on. and it comes once a month. and it has arrived once more. a good excuse to shop. yipee

 

4. my upcoming birthday. well, i'm not sure if i want to be happy about it, knowing that i'll be spending a lot on treating my friends and family. but yeah, i guess it has to be one more reason to be happy, knowing that you completed another year of existence. one whole year of making changes on earth that ripples across time and people. one whole year of finding for mr right (and still not finding him). oops, i don't think it's something i should be happy about. but, maybe this year.... just maybe, it would be my year, and his year. yiii

 

5. summer time. well, i may not be happy about the increase in temperature. but i definitely can't wait to take a vacation and hit the beach, maybe get a tan (which i think i already have ever since hehe), and drool over half naked men. woot woot.

 

there. five reasons i'm happy today. maybe tomorrow i'll discover more reasons to be happy about.

maybe i should end this here. there are more things to tell, but i have no patience remembering them all. and fate is getting back the time she lent me. til next time perhaps, though i wonder when would that be

here we go again...

... and the words started to come out of my mouth.

and you cant blame me.

well for one, i hate myself. i hate myself for being such a corporate martyr. being passive always have its disadvantages. people, especially those i consider to be close to me, always tend to abuse my passiveness. favors here and there, asking me to do this and that, verify this and that, compute for this and that. i actually don't mind since you're my friend. and besides, some of you don't really ask me to do things on a usual basis. and besides i can really manage my time to insert your favors on my schedule. although i must admit my time is really cranked up with bullshit these days that i could hardly find time for relaxation. but that's fine. as i said, i like being asked to do things for people. BUT, that is on the assumption that i feel important to them and that i am the only able person to do your favors.

but there is/are this/these person/people who just don't seem to appreciate what i have done. maybe it's because it's their nature to ask others to do their work for other people just so that they could relax. and since here i am, their most dependable person to rely on, they could easily delegate the task to me, with the pity look in their eyes, begging for my time, attention and energy. i know this is not a healthy thing to do, being in the world where you either walk with the people or get run over if you don't. and i am not the latter, definitely. but sometimes, it gets pretty tiring. being in a fast-paced environment, it's very easy for you to get run over by people, work, stress, etc. but hey! i have a life of my own! i have my own problems to deal with! i have work to do, i have family and friends who are way closer than this/these person/people to attend to. i have bills to pay, i have dreams i am so dying to pursue, i have careers to build. i have crushes i want to be mine (ok that's kinda farfetched already haha). the point is clear, i wanna have my own life to deal with. and sometimes your favors are way too much for me to handle. and here you go, blabbering to me about delayed things, commitments not delivered. that's bullshit! fyi, you should have know that i have my own load to carry, and i don't want to drag your requests with it. that's too much. don't you know how to carry it on your own? if you can't carry the burden, then you shouldn't be here in the first place. that's bullshit for someone as old, ok experienced would be a nicer way to say it, as you.

there, the burden has gone from my system. time again to submerge myself to the crap i have hanged outside the office

untitled blah

segway lang bago ako tuluyang mawalan ng ulirat

it has been my regimen to dust some powder on my face, spray some perfume on my body and apply petroleum jelly on my lips before i leave the office. it is my way of rewarding myself for surviving the struggles i encountered in the office. just so i could still feeel good about myself and so that my family wouldn't have to notice that my work is really about to kill me. and of coourse i must admit that i do that to find someone, although i must say it's just a plus in my list as of now.

my point here is that i want to look good whenever somebody sees me walking the pedestrian lanes of the city when i go home. well maybe even inside public transports, but i must let you understand that im not flirting with people inside those transports or even along the sidewalks. i just want to look good, period.

but lately, for two consecutive days, i have noticed that two men, or at least they were looking as such, have disturbed me. the first one was a seatmate on a jeepney from alabang to binan, the other was a seatmate in a bus from boni to alabang. they were looking at me with the obvious intention of fulfilling their physical earthly desires which, i must say disgusts me since i dont know them and they don't look good enough for my standards, hehe.

the point here is why do i attract people that i dont like and why cant i attract the one i like?call me desperate, funny, crazy if you want. im just so frustrated.

yun lang

its been a while...

...since i last poured out my thoughts on a piece of cyber paper. what took me so long to use my new-age typewriter? a lot. loss of a dear beloved grandfather, christmas grieving, new year grieving, career plans, etcetera.

well, it's a new year for all of us. new things to do. to achieve. to let go, no matter how hard or sad it may be. so, how will i start the year? or should i say, how did i start the new year? well, new outlook. new principles to live by. no more misster emo senti child. i think i have had enough of that last year. now im turning over a new leaf. new things to try. new places to discover. new people to acquaint with. and yes, a new inspiration for all that bull shit that happened for the past 365 1/4 days. im on the process of shedding my skin. cracking my cocoon. spreading my newly acquired wings. hopefully, there are no frogs in my path to swallow me alive. its time for this butterfly to appreciate the world he tried so hard to hide from.

as a line from song a witch uttered in the musical Wicked: "i'm...defying gravity. and you can't pull me down".

the christmas bug hasn't bitten me yet...

yes, and to think it's just 15 effin days before that special day.

the cool (not cold) breeze is here. im seeing thousands of tiny bulbs forming lines, glowing in trees along highways, street lamps, business establishments, and houses. fancy ornaments of metallic red, blue, gold, silver, among the several other colors, are seen hanging in wreaths and christmas trees. out comes the very famous figures of santa claus; rudolph and his 6 friends; angels clad in fancy gowns carrying instruments such as harps, trumpets and violins; and who would ever forget the stable, the manger complete with the three wise men, the shepherd and his flock, with the family celebrating the birth of our Saviour. lanterns of different sizes, colors and lights line up the streets. people rushing here and there shopping for gifts. children could be heard on the streets singing to tunes who knows who invented them, with flattened beer caps and empty milk cans as their accompaniment. yes, indeed. the time is drawing near.

and in spite of these, im still not excited about christmas. im not sure i want to celebrate it this year. well, i have already expressed my sentiments on this before, but my mood should have shifted already by this time.

sigh, to you out there, help me feel the christmas spirit. the spirit i should have been feeling since the start of the month. it feels like it's not fun anymore when it should be. sigh, back to work

she came back...

yes, you came back.

i thought we will be seeing each other again after two years, but then again, you came back after just a month.

you were crying over little things in your first few days of leaving. and i was there to listen. now, you're back and things changed.

well, i do think it was for the better. after all, you came back smiling. and you said you found yourself a new... friend. yes, it was a friend, but until when?

now, don't look at me like im jealous, because frankly speaking im not. im just afraid that since you'll be having a newbie, we'll be hearing less from you when you leave again. that's what im afraid of. im afraid that you'll leave everything behind here. im afraid i wont be able to know you again. im afraid you'll forget me. us.

soon, you'll leave again. will this be for good already? and when you say you'll leave, would that mean you'll leave everything behind? and when you say everything, does that include us?

im afraid. but i have no choice. i have to let you go. again.

whew.

ok, so i surprised kee and the drinkers at drew's by suddenly showing up. and yes, i felt like i was attending a grand prodigal son-ish homecoming. hugs and kisses welcomed me to the group. there was jeyson, meia, gee, kee, aaron, lea, julie, annalea, chaida, donna. kuya ross followed shortly. and kuya jasper, too.

ok, i arrived drew's surprised to see new faces joining the drinkers. and i was surprised to see that most of them are already beyond their alcohol tolerance.

ok, yada yada yada... kwentuhan here and there. i became updated to the latest happenings to my dear org.

ok, i heard their side already. i hope i could hear the other side as well. soon

ok, i had drinks, four shots actually of drew's concoctions. and to think that i did not have dinner. i prepared myself for my very worse behavior that night.

ok, we were discussing things while drinking, when all of a sudden, one of the drinkers cried. everyone went to either comfort her or just be anxious about why did this drinker cried. ok, enough said, i will not delve into the details as i assume this is not for public consumption. and just as i thought it was over, another drinker cried. sheesh, aren't we supposed to be having fun?

ok, my mind is like i hadn't drink that night because of what happened. and to top it all off, another drinker cried.

ok, you can blame me for that; that's the way thing really are right now. sorry.

ok, what the hell is wrong with the drinkers that night? two-five drinkers were dancing, two of them wildly. some drinkers trying to add a new vice. in front of me. ok, i don't like that. drinker who couldn't even control himself/herself simple because the person is so drunk that person could crawl back home regardless if the drinker still has his/her stuff with him/her. sheesh. i have never encountered any of that kind in my college years, even in my entire existence.

ok, i am not mad. it's just that why would there be such people who continue drinking even if they already know they have reached their limit?

ok, i am embarrassed by what happened. embarrassed by what people saw. embarrassed by what people perceived of my friends that night. embarrassed that i wasn't able to do something to relieve them from such embarrassment.

but, they're my friends. the hell i care about what other people say about them. to hell i care about what they would think about us. they don't know us. so don't they ever bother minding us.

ok, end of rant.