Tuesday, October 28, 2008

i just wanna rant. sorry

1 comments
una sa lahat, this post is not my usual self. thus, this is not my usual post. and im sorry if may hurt some people along the way. i just need to blow this shit off my system.

i received a message from my mom asking me to lend her money. wala na daw kasing panggastos sa bahay. that's fine. im starting getting used to that message. 

until i called our house. since wala akong load to reply tom her, i decided to call her na lang using my extension sa office.

she was shocked when i called the house after her message. im not usually calling them after i received those kinds of messages. i just reply ok. then, i heard her voice. she was like she was just finished crying. i asked her kung meron siyang sipon or something. then she broke out. she cried over the phone to me. i was alarmed by what happened. when she told me about the financial support she asked from me, it meant pala na the family badly needed it. as in now na. wala na daw pambili ng pagkain for dinner until tomorrow. she was crying and apologizing to me that time, saying na wala na daw magagawa si dad for the household expenditures that day. i was totally shocked by this line. how come did that happen? we are both working. we both have our salaries to spend with. and his was way larger than mine. how on earth did that happen!? pakshet. ganun na ba talaga kadami ang utang ng family namin?! shet. pakshet. sprakinangshet. pota. bakit nagkaganun! punyeta talaga.

now my family faces another financial  obstacle. my sister who's in third year will be enrolling in a few days. and yes, as usual, hanggang ngayon, walang pera ang dad ko to support my sister. kamusta naman yun! kulang ang sweldo ko to provide her tuition fees. grabe talaga1 kakairita! at eto kami ng mom ko, walang magawa para matulungan ang kapatid ko! leche talaga! puntangina talaga! POTA! anong gagawin ko

to my dad: 
wala kayong karapatan na sabihin samin na wala kayong mabigay na pera. kayo ang provider ng family. with the earning i have right now, kulang akong back-up plan para humilata kayo sa sofa everytime umuuwi kayo at walang dalang pera para sa pamilya natin. at pwede ba, utang na loob, wala kang karapatang magpaiyak ng asawa mo! nakita mo ba itsura ni mommy kagabi? how dare you lie down and ask kris to give you your daily foot massage kung hindi mo siya mabibigyan ng pantustos sa pag-aaral niya! ang kapal ng mukha mo! gusto kitang murahin, pero hindi ko yun gagawin dahil ginapang mo kaming magkakapatid sa education namin. pero naman dad! hindi porket may trabaho na ako, e pwede ka nang magpaka-petik diyan at humilata kung saan saan kapag pagod ka na! wake up dad! you still hvae two other children in school, at hindi nakakatuwang isipin na merong isa sa kanilang dalawa na titigil dahil hindi mo na kayang magprovide!

alam mo ba kung anong pinapamukha mo sakin ngayon? pinagmumukha mo akong isang walang kwentang anak na hindi makatulong sa pamilyang binuo niyo ni mommy! and honestly, it's not a good feeling. may kasalanan ba akong ginawa sa yo? o baka naman kaming lahat sa pamilya may ginawa sa yon na hindi mo nagustuhan? baka naman pwede mong sabihin sa amin nang magkalinawan na! daig mo pa ako magkubli ng sikreto e! para kang bakla! hindi bading dad. bakla. ayusin niyo buhay niyo! kung may problema kayo, baka naman pwedeng wag niyo kaming idamay kung balak niyo namang itago sa amin yun! nakakairita e. tapos mas gusto niyo pa na si mama ang magsabi sa akin ng problema natin? bakit! dahil ba mas close ako sa kanya kesa sayo? well, tingin mo ba wala kang ginawa para mangyari yun? o baka naman kasi nahihiya ka sa akin magsabi? kung pwede lang namin kainin yang pride mo, edi sana wala na tayong problema! e kaso hindi e! hindi namin makakain yang pride mong yan! makolesterol yang pride na yan! nakakahigh-blood! nakaka-stroke! nakakamatay! nakakamatay sa gutom!

isang beses pa na malalaman kong umiyak si mommy dahil sa kakulangan ng pera sa pamilya, hindi na talaga ako mahihiyang kausapin kayo. matagal ko nang gustong kausapin kayo, pero lagi akong pinipigilan ni mommy. kesyo daw iisipin niyo na lumaki na ulo ko at nakakaya ko na kayong sagutin ng ganun ganun na lang. then don't let me use up all my patience daddy, dahil maski ako, hindi ko magugustuhan ang masasabi ko sa inyo. kaya please, utang na loob, wag niyong sirain ang kinabukasan ng mga kapatid ko, lalong lalo na ang pamilyang ilang taon niyo nang ginagapang. 

mahal ko kayo daddy kaya ko ito gustong gawin. dahil matagal na naming napapansin ni mommy na baluktot na baluktot na ang inyong pananaw. maling mali ang inyong prinsipyo. hindi pang-ama ng tahanan, kundi pang single na lalaking naghahanap pa lang ng aasawahin. idilat niyo ang mga mata ninyo sa kalagayan ng family natin! hindi na ito nakakatuwa. at mukha namang seryoso ako di ba? ngayon lang ako magiging hindi palabiro. ang plastik ko sa inyo. inaamin ko, pero dahil napipilitan lang ako dahil sa kahilingan ni mommy na siya na lang ang bahala sa inyo. pero by the looks of it, mukhang kelangan ko na yatang pumasok talaga sa eksena. please don't let that happen.

to my mom:
kaya natin to. and please, let me interfere the moment you cried again because of this.i hate seeing you crying, be it over the phone or in front of me. you don't know the impact of your tears on me. it hurts hearing your sobs of a mother in pain simply because she has no way to overcome these kinds of problems dahil hindi kayo pinayagan ni dad na maghanap ng work abroad or magtayo ng tindahan sa bahay para lang magkaron ng paghuhugutan kapag may ganitong klaseng sitwasyong dumadating. makakaraos din tayo. continue praying for our family. keep your spirits up for us. kayo ang tinitingala naming magkakapatid. kayo ang sandalan namin. wag kayong bibigay. we love you.

to kris and karen (my sisters):
pagbutihan ninyo ang inyong education. continue striving for excellence. yan lang ang tangi niyong magagawa sa ngayon. make our parents proud. don't ever let them down. show them na worth it ang pinaghirapan nila. huwag na muna kayong sumali sa gulo by asking them na may lakad kayo, may gimik kung saan man, dahil utang na loob, WALA TAYONG PERA! at hindi nakakamatay ang tumanggi sa mga ganyang uri ng lakad. hindi niyo yun kawalan. sa akin kayo makakatikim kapag umangal kayo. yes, this time, i will exercise my right as your eldest sibling. konting tiis pa. hindi lang kayo ang nahihirapan sa ngayon, and i hope nakikita niyo yan.





ayan. tapos na ang rant.

a letter from a bestfriend to his/her bestfriend...

Comments

dear beshy,

 

hay, eto na. this is the moment. its your time to shine again. time to spread your wings and soar higher. time to prove people your capabilities who doubt you. it's now time to prove them wrong.

sadly, it's also the time for our paths to part. well, i hope that it's not for long. alam mo naman na isa ka sa mga motivating factors ko which keep me going and going and going, despite all those shit that i've been going through. but enough about me, this should be about you.


thanks beshy. for letting me take part in your life. i couldn't imagine what would my life have been if you're not there. i've been through a lot of things. you have been through a lot of things. we have been through a lot of things together. and thanks to you, we've managed to overcome those. then before you know it, ayan nanaman, bagong problema nanaman. now, we're just laughing about them and those people who are still struggling through that same thing without knowing what to do about them.

 

thanks beshy. for making me feel a part of your family. honestly, marami kayong nagparamdam sa akin ng ganyan. pero, never did i felt this much. you made me stay in your place sa pasay, kahit hindi ka na talaga doon umuuwi. thanks for cooking food for me (us), waiting for me to arrive home before eating dinner even if mamamatay ka na sa gutom (hay, i could so remember that day :) ). thanks for introducing me to your relatives na parang jowa mo ako. thanks for inviting me sa mga pakain niyo sa pasay, sa christmas party niyo, at sa mga birthday party ng kung sinu-sinong kamag-anak niyo. you made me feel fat, pero it made my heart even fatter. thanks beshy.

thanks din beshy, for confiding your feelings to me. from your crushes, to your struggles sa acads, to your bonggang-bonggang love life, even to the point of your personal life. lahat lahat. thanks for trusting me with that. it's a bit embarassing for some people to open such kinds of stuff, and yet, you willingly shared them with me. you don't know how much that trust meant to me. it gave me a deeper sense of fulfillment knowing that at least in my life, somebody gave me that kind of trust. i am deeply grateful for that.


 

now that you're leaving the country, it's almost automatic for the people you will be leaving behind to feel sad. so don't tell us na wag kami umiyak. you know we'll miss you. so let us show you how much we'll miss you. your smile, your sense of style, your car, your make-up, your house, your pet dog, your stylish phone...ay puro material? hahaha... but seriously, we'll miss your company. i know that an email from us can reach you, pero iba pa rin ang physical presence mo. hindi naman tayo pwede maginuman over emails di ba? yosi din... hahaha

sigh, i know that it'll be a different southville when you're gone. one less kikay girl i know. no more blue honda car blaring her horn in front of my house just so that we could go out to have coffee, yosi break, boy-watching sa basketball court, inuman sa tenessee, gimik somewhere, or just hang-out sa maryland, missouri, monaco or bugaria. no more moments together. kami meron, tayo wala na...after two years pa.


beshy, you take good care of yourself there. it's a totally new world for you there. i know you have plans of slimming down, but don't use that excuse to skip meals, ok? no tita ema there to wake you up because you're late for school. no me there to help you do your homeworks. it's just you. you're on your own there. no manang diling to do your laundry and tidy up your room and cook your meals. no security guard to always keep your flat safe. no bribery from policemen (oops :p). i know kaya mo naman. just remember, email lang ang katapat ng home sickness ok? i'll be trying to follow you sa london soon, siguro a few months after my regularization...konting tiis muna ha? i'm not making promises baka kasi madepress ka kapag hindi ako napadpad diyan anytime soon.

and just remember. we're always here to support you. kung kayang sagutin ang mga tanong, hinaing (wag muna pera beshy :p), requests...basta kaya namin, we'll be glad to help you. you have been a great part of my life. of OUR lives. and we are deeply grateful for that. don't forget to pray ha? hindi naman yan muslim country na pagbabawalan ka, so go lang and pray whenever you feel down and hopeless.

so paano ba yan beshy? i'll try to see you soon, ok? otherwise, i'll see you in two years, ok? we'll be praying for your success there ok? smile beshy you deserve it more than any of us :) we love you beshy. wag kang makakalimot ha? kami kasi hindi :) mwah mwah

  

hugs, kisses, prayers,

beshy papakarl

Thursday, October 23, 2008

the month im looking forward to and dreading at the same time...is coming

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two months more, and it's december.

why im looking forward to december? hmmm... lots of things. my first christmas bonus (yes, meron ako even though hindi pa ako regular). christmas shopping na! hehe the long vacation. who in the corporate world wouldn't look forward to that? XD

the cold breeze of the season. yes, im looking forward to it. its damn cold kasi dito sa pilipinas, ;p

some childhood traditions i never grew up. buying new clothes and shoes. im gonna buy myself a new bag. i think i deserve it since my office bag badly needs its retirement. receiving gifts from parents for being good (?) for the past year. noche buena shopping means the fridge will be full again with scrumptious food like ham, leche flan, queso de bola, homemade pasta, fruit salad and other fancy sweets. christmas dawn masses, i hope i could complete it this year. yuletide delicacies like puto bumbong and bibingka after dawn mass, yummy. christmas decorations from christmas trees, lanterns, angels, santa claus, reindeers, metallic christmas balls, poinsettia and other flowers full of glitter, wreaths, candy canes, and of course, the belen.

how can i forget the beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree? even though i sometimes do the wrapping, there's still that hint of thrill i feel every time a present is opened, of course im not the one who wraps my present haha

the spirit of togetherness, the mere fact that you're celebrating jesus' arrival on earth with your relatives is something i always look forward to. everybody has a smile on their faces during this time of the year. the countdown to 12mn is always an event we do in the family. everybody kisses and hugs each other at the strike of the clock. its a nice site.

having said all that, why on earth would i dread for december? well, the inaanak. i have so many of them i dont think i could afford giving them all a present. next, since i am also now in the working section of my family, i am "required" to contribute to the family expenses this coming season. tsk3, not that i don't want to, but im afraid that i wont be able to save enough for myself. 

lastly, the deal. ok story telling time. it happened last december at up-diliman during the lantern parade. me and tina saw what we thought as the most romantic fireworks display after the program. and yes, we are both single that time. we felt pity for ourselves as we saw a few couples holding hands together, savoring the romantic atmosphere the pyrotechnic display brought. then, we thought of making a deal: that we will bring our significant other next year and watch the parade and the fireworks together so that we wont feel any remorse for our ever miserable love life. and that time is about to come in a few weeks time! wah!

yes, i am starting to panic. who will i bring with me? who wants to share that romantic moment with someone like me? shit, panic panic PANIC!
i have prospects, pero with the situation i have, i doubt kung siya ang makakasama ko. tsk3
karl wake up... WAKE UP!


welcome post

2 comments
my first blog outside my web social networks which are friendster and multiply.

don't know how frequent i will be viewing this. don't know how frequent will i be able to post here. i do think it's hard to maintain two blogs at the same time. especially when it's my first time to try this.

anyways, since i don't know anybody yet from this part of the cyber world, i wwlcome myself to this site :D

 
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